The Never-Enough Pattern: Why Perfectionism Keeps You Stuck

I used to think my perfectionism was a strength. Something that set me apart, made me better, proved I had high standards. I genuinely believed that my inability to do anything at less than 100% was what made me good at things.

Turns out, it was actually the thing keeping me stuck, burnt out, and constantly stressed. And the worst part? I couldn't see it because perfectionism is really bloody good at disguising itself as ambition, dedication, and having your shit together.

Let me tell you what perfectionism actually looked like in my life, because I promise you it wasn't pretty.

The Course Addiction

For years, I was addicted to learning. Not the healthy kind of curiosity that helps you grow – the desperate kind that's driven by a constant feeling of "not enough."

I'd sign up for course after course, certification after certification, thinking if I could just learn enough, be qualified enough, know enough, I'd finally feel legitimate. I'd finally feel like I was allowed to help people, to charge for my services, to take up space in the world without apologising for it.

But here's the thing nobody tells you about perfectionism: the feeling of "not enough" isn't solved by doing more. It's not cured by getting one more certificate, reading one more book, completing one more training program.

Because perfectionism isn't actually about knowledge or skill. It's about fear.

I was afraid that if I wasn't perfectly qualified, perfectly prepared, perfectly equipped, someone would find out I was a fraud. Someone would expose me as not good enough. Someone would ask a question I couldn't answer and I'd be humiliated.

So I kept learning. And learning. And learning. Until I was burnt out, overwhelmed, and still felt like I didn't know enough to actually help anyone.

Signing up for new courses constantly doesn't give the brain a chance to process everything learned. You've got to give yourself time to assimilate the information. But I couldn't do that because sitting still felt like falling behind.

What Perfectionism Actually Is

Here's what I've learned about perfectionism through years of struggling with it, fighting against it, and slowly recovering from it:

Perfectionism is not about high standards. It's about fear wearing a fancy outfit.

It's fear of judgment disguised as attention to detail. It's fear of failure masquerading as dedication. It's fear of being exposed as inadequate, dressed up as having high standards.

Real high standards look like: "I'm going to do my best work and continually improve."

Perfectionism looks like: "If this isn't flawless, I've failed and everyone will see that I'm not good enough."

See the difference? One is about growth. The other is about protection.

Perfectionism is all-or-nothing thinking. If it's not perfect, it's worthless. If I'm not the best, I'm the worst. If I make one mistake, the entire thing is ruined. There's no middle ground, no "good enough," no room for being human.

Perfectionism is procrastination in a fancy dress. How many projects have you not finished because they weren't perfect enough? How many opportunities have you turned down because you weren't "ready" yet? How many things have you not even started because you couldn't guarantee they'd be brilliant?

I cannot tell you how many times I've not started something because I was too afraid of it not being perfect. The blog posts I never published. The workshops I didn't run. The clients I didn't reach out to. All because perfectionism convinced me that imperfect action was worse than no action at all.

The Real Cost of Perfectionism

Let me be really honest about what perfectionism cost me:

It nearly killed my creativity. When everything has to be perfect, you stop experimenting. You stop playing. You stop trying new things because new things are messy and uncertain and definitely not perfect.

It destroyed my productivity. Everything took ten times longer because I was obsessing over details that nobody else would ever notice. I'd spend hours tweaking something that was already good enough, trying to make it perfect.

It stole my peace of mind. I was constantly stressed, constantly anxious, constantly worried that I wasn't doing enough, being enough, achieving enough. Nothing was ever finished because nothing was ever perfect enough.

It kept me invisible. The work I never shared because it wasn't perfect enough never helped anyone. The imperfect blog post that stays in your drafts doesn't reach the person who needs it. The "good enough" workshop you don't run doesn't transform lives.

It made me miserable. Living with a constant internal voice telling you that you're not good enough is exhausting. Measuring yourself against an impossible standard and always falling short is soul-destroying.

The Perfectionism-Anxiety Connection

Here's something I didn't realise for years: my perfectionism and my anxiety were deeply connected.

I've struggled with panic disorder, anxiety, and depression my entire adult life. I thought the perfectionism was separate – just a personality trait, a quirk, maybe even something positive.

But perfectionism was actually feeding my anxiety. Every time I set an impossible standard for myself and failed to meet it (which was every time, because the standards were impossible), my anxiety increased. Every time I obsessed over getting something perfect, my nervous system was on high alert.

Perfectionism tells your brain that mistakes are dangerous. That being less than perfect means rejection, failure, humiliation. Your nervous system responds to this perceived danger with anxiety.

And here's the cruel irony: the more anxious you are, the harder it is to do things well, which makes you more determined to be perfect, which makes you more anxious. It's a vicious cycle.

The Turning Point

My turning point came when I left my well-paid corporate job to start my holistic therapy business. I had no choice but to launch things before they were perfect. I had to try techniques before I'd mastered them completely. I had to be a beginner in front of people who were paying me.

It was absolutely terrifying. It also saved me.

Because here's what I discovered: people didn't need me to be perfect. They needed me to be present, skilled enough to help them, and genuinely caring about their wellbeing. A massage that was "just" really good was still really good. A coaching session that didn't solve all their problems but made real progress was still valuable.

I started to learn that done was better than perfect. That 80-90% is actually pretty bloody good most of the time. That my imperfect, genuine help was infinitely more valuable than my perfect help that never materialised because I was too afraid to offer it.

The 80-90% Rule I'm Still Learning

I'm going to be honest with you: I'm still working on this one. I would really love to embody and embrace and live the thought that 80-90% is pretty much enough most of the time.

But here's what I know intellectually, even when I struggle to feel it emotionally:

The work I've put out at 80% has helped more people than the perfect work I never finished. The imperfect blog posts get published. The good-enough social media content reaches people who need it. The workshops I ran before I felt "ready" actually transformed lives.

Nobody else notices the gap between 90% and 100% except you. That thing you're obsessing over? The detail you're agonising about? Nobody else will see it. And even if they do, they won't care as much as you think they will.

Perfectionism isn't about the quality of your work – it's about never feeling finished. It's about never feeling satisfied, never feeling like you can rest, never feeling good enough. That's not a quality standard. That's a prison.

What Recovery Actually Looks Like

Recovering from perfectionism doesn't mean becoming sloppy or not caring about quality. It means:

Launching things before they feel perfect. Publishing the blog post that's good enough. Running the workshop while you're still learning. Offering your services before you have every possible qualification.

Accepting that mistakes are information, not evidence of inadequacy. When something doesn't go perfectly, that's data about what to improve. It's not proof that you're not good enough.

Measuring success by progress, not perfection. Did I move forward? Did I help someone? Did I learn something? That's success, even if it wasn't flawless.

Giving yourself permission to be a learner. You don't have to know everything before you start. You're allowed to figure things out as you go.

Recognising that your worth isn't tied to your output. You're not more valuable when you're perfect. You're already valuable, flaws and all.

The Questions That Help Me

When I catch myself spiralling into perfectionism, I ask myself:

• Am I trying to make this perfect, or am I procrastinating out of fear?

• What would "good enough" look like here?

• Will anyone other than me notice the difference between 90% and 100%?

• What's the worst that happens if this isn't perfect?

• Am I trying to earn worth through flawless execution?

• What would I tell a friend who was agonising over this the way I am?

These questions don't always make it easy, but they help me make decisions more consciously.

The Freedom I'm Finding

Here's what I'm discovering on the other side of perfectionism: it's lighter. There's room to breathe. Room to make mistakes. Room to be human.

I'm not perfect at being imperfect (the irony isn't lost on me). I still catch myself obsessing over details. I still struggle to launch things that don't feel finished. I still battle the voice that says "not good enough yet."

But I notice it now. And when I notice it, I can choose differently.

I can choose progress over perfection. Done over perfect. Good enough over never-quite-ready.

And you know what? The world doesn't end when I put imperfect work into the world. In fact, something magical happens: it actually reaches people. It actually helps. It actually matters.

Perfect work sitting in your drafts helps nobody. Good-enough work that's out in the world changes lives.

Your Turn

If you're reading this and recognising yourself in these patterns, please know: you're not broken. You're not uniquely flawed. You're not the only one who struggles with this.

Perfectionism is fear, and fear is just your nervous system trying to keep you safe. It learned somewhere along the way that being perfect was safer than being visible and imperfect. But it's wrong.

You don't need to be perfect to be valuable. You don't need to know everything before you start. You don't need to wait until you're "ready" because you'll never feel completely ready.

Recovery from perfectionism starts with one imperfect step. Then another. Then another.

What's one thing you've been putting off because it doesn't feel perfect yet? What if you did it anyway, at 80%, and saw what happened?

With Love

Alex

In my next post, I'll explore the close cousin of perfectionism: people pleasing. Because these two patterns often show up together, feeding off each other in ways that keep us stuck, stressed, and performing for everyone else. If this post resonated, you'll want to read that one too.

And if you're struggling with perfectionism, imposter syndrome, or just feeling like you're never quite good enough no matter what you achieve, I'd love to work with you. Sometimes we all need support in learning that we're enough, exactly as we are.