Boundaries That Actually Work: The Recovery Tool for Perfectionists and People Pleasers

If you've seen any of my social media posts on perfectionism and people pleasing, you'll know I spent decades trapped in patterns that kept me exhausted, resentful, and performing for everyone else.

The perfectionism made me feel like I was never good enough unless everything was flawless. The people pleasing made me say yes to everything while slowly losing myself in the process.

And the thing that's helped me recover from both? Boundaries.

Not the weak, apologetic boundaries that don't actually protect anything. Not the "I'm so sorry but maybe possibly if it's okay with you..." boundaries that immediately get trampled.

Real boundaries. The kind that actually work.

Let me tell you what I've learned about setting boundaries that stick, even when it feels uncomfortable, even when people push back, even when the guilt is overwhelming.

What Boundaries Actually Are (And Aren't)

For years, I thought boundaries were walls. I thought setting boundaries meant being cold, harsh, uncaring. I thought if I needed boundaries with someone, it meant I didn't really love them.

I was completely wrong.

Boundaries aren't walls – they're gates. They protect your energy so you can show up fully for the people who respect your time and space. They let the right energy in and keep the wrong energy out.

Boundaries aren't about pushing people away. They're about creating sustainable relationships where both people's needs matter. Where you can be genuinely present instead of resentfully available.

Here's what I wish someone had told me years ago: good boundaries actually improve relationships. When people know what to expect from you, everyone feels safer. When you're clear about your limits, people don't have to guess. When you protect your energy, you have more to give when you choose to give it.

Why Perfectionists and People Pleasers Struggle With Boundaries

If you're a perfectionist or people pleaser (or both, like I was), boundaries feel absolutely terrifying. Here's why:

Perfectionists think boundaries make them "bad at relationships." If you can't be endlessly flexible and accommodating, you're failing at being a good friend/partner/daughter. Boundaries feel like admitting you're not capable of handling everything.

People pleasers think boundaries mean they're selfish. Your entire identity is built on being there for others. Setting limits feels like betraying who you are, like becoming the kind of person you never wanted to be.

Both patterns make you believe your worth is conditional. Perfectionists think they're only valuable when they're flawless. People pleasers think they're only loveable when they're useful. Boundaries challenge both beliefs because they say: "I have inherent worth regardless of what I do for you."

That's why setting boundaries feels so uncomfortable. You're not just changing behaviour – you're challenging the entire belief system that's kept you safe (or so you thought) for years.

The Boundary Fail That Kept Me Stuck

Let me tell you about my biggest boundary fail, the one that kept me trapped for decades: the explanation trap.

Every time I set a boundary, I'd follow it with a paragraph of justification.

I thought I was being polite. I thought explanations were good manners. I thought if I could just make them understand my reasoning, they'd accept my boundary without being disappointed.

Here's what I learned the hard way: every explanation is a door to negotiation.

"I can't because I have plans with my brother" → "Can't you reschedule with your brother?"

"I can't because I'm tired" → "It won't take long, you can have a rest after we've finished."

"I can't because I don't have money" → "I'll pay you back next week."

Your reasons become their problems to solve. Your explanations become their arguments to counter.

The truth I had to accept: "No" is a complete sentence.

It contains all the information the other person needs. You're not available. They need to find another solution. End of conversation.

I know that feels harsh. It felt harsh to me too. But here's what I discovered: most reasonable people accept "no" without requiring a detailed explanation. The people who demand justification? They're the ones who don't respect your boundaries anyway.

Why Boundaries Feel So Guilty

Here's the thing nobody tells you about setting boundaries: the guilt is overwhelming, especially at first.

I used to think guilt meant I was doing something wrong. If I felt guilty about saying no, surely that meant I should say yes? If someone was disappointed by my boundary, didn't that make me a bad person?

No. And this realisation changed everything for me.

Guilt doesn't mean your boundary is wrong. It means you're changing patterns that needed changing.

When you've spent years putting everyone else's needs before your own, setting boundaries feels like a moral violation. Your nervous system screams "This isn't safe! They might reject you! Go back to performing!"

But that guilt is just your old programming fighting to stay alive. It's not your moral compass – it's your fear of disapproval wearing a disguise.

The boundaries that feel most necessary are often the ones that create the most guilt. The people who make you feel guiltiest are often the ones who most need your boundaries. That's not a coincidence.

The People Who Push Back Hardest

When I started setting boundaries, I discovered something fascinating: the people who reacted most strongly fell into predictable patterns.

The Tester pushes against your boundaries to see if they're real. "You said you don't work weekends, but this is really important..." They're not necessarily being malicious – they're just checking whether your boundary is a real limit or a suggestion.

The Guilt-Tripper makes you feel bad for having boundaries. "I guess I'm not important to you anymore..." They've learned that making you feel guilty is an effective way to get what they want.

The Steamroller just ignores your boundaries completely. They act like you never said anything, make decisions that affect you without consulting you, and seem genuinely surprised when you enforce consequences.

Here's what I learned: the people who respect your boundaries are the people who belong in your life. The ones who consistently violate them are showing you who they are. Believe them.

How to Actually Set Boundaries (The Scripts That Work)

Let me give you the practical stuff:

For requests you can't/won't fulfil: "No, I'm not available for that." (Not "I can't" which invites problem-solving. Not "maybe" which gives false hope. Just "I'm not available.")

When they ask why: "I have other commitments." (You've committed to your own wellbeing. That counts.)

When they push back: "I understand you're disappointed. My answer is still no." (Acknowledge their feelings without changing your boundary.)

When they guilt-trip: "I appreciate our relationship. That's why I'm being clear about my limits." (Don't defend against guilt trips. Just restate your boundary.)

When they try to negotiate: "This isn't up for discussion." (End the negotiation before it starts.)

When they steamroll: Don't repeat yourself multiple times. Move straight to consequences. "I asked you to call before coming over. Since you didn't, I'm not available right now."

Notice what's not in these scripts: apologies, lengthy explanations, or invitations to debate whether your boundary is reasonable.

The Boundary I Wish I'd Set Years Ago

Looking back, there's one boundary I wish I'd set much earlier: "I don't lend money to friends."

For years, I lent money I couldn't afford to lose because I felt guilty saying no. Because I wanted to help. Because I thought that's what good friends do.

The result? Stress about money I needed back, awkward conversations, damaged friendships when people didn't repay me, and resentment building up over time.

If I'd set that boundary early and held it firmly, I'd have saved myself years of financial stress and relationship strain. The friends who respected that boundary would have stayed. The ones who got angry about it would have revealed themselves as people who valued my money more than my friendship.

Boundaries aren't walls – but they are filters. They filter out people who don't respect your wellbeing.

Here's what I've discovered about consistently holding boundaries, even when it's uncomfortable:

People adjust. When you hold boundaries consistently, people learn what to expect from you. They stop asking for things you've clearly said no to. They start respecting your limits because they know you'll maintain them.

Your relationships improve. The ones that survive your boundaries become stronger, more genuine, more balanced. The ones that don't survive? They were transactional anyway.

Your energy returns. When you're not exhausted from being endlessly available, you have actual energy for the things and people that matter.

You discover who you are. When you stop shape-shifting to please everyone, you start finding your own preferences, opinions, and identity.

The guilt decreases. It doesn't disappear completely (I still feel it sometimes), but it loses its power over you. You learn to sit with discomfort instead of abandoning your boundaries to stop feeling guilty.

The Boundary Work I'm Still Doing

I'm not going to pretend I've mastered boundaries. I haven't. This is ongoing work for me.

I still sometimes say yes when I mean no. I still occasionally over-explain. I still feel guilty when I disappoint people. I still struggle with clients who turn up late expecting me to run over my finish time (I need to exert my boundaries better there).

But here's what's different now: I notice when I'm slipping into old patterns. And when I notice, I can choose differently.

Recovery from perfectionism and people pleasing isn't about never struggling. It's about catching yourself faster when you do struggle, and choosing your wellbeing more often than you choose other people's comfort.

The Freedom on the Other Side

Here's what life looks like with boundaries that actually work:

You wake up and your day belongs to you, not to everyone else's demands. Your time is yours to allocate consciously, not reactively.

You can help people from a place of genuine choice, not resentful obligation. When you say yes, you mean it. When you say no, you mean that too.

You have energy for yourself – for rest, creativity, joy, growth. Not just the dregs left over after everyone else has taken what they needed.

You know who your real friends are. The relationships that survive your boundaries are the ones worth having.

You feel more like yourself. Not the performing version designed to please everyone, but the real you with preferences and limits and needs.

That's worth the discomfort of learning to set boundaries. That's worth sitting with the guilt. That's worth losing the people who only valued what you could do for them.

Your First Boundary

If you're ready to start setting boundaries, don't try to overhaul your entire life at once. That's the perfectionist trap – if you can't do it perfectly, don't do it at all.

Start with one boundary. Just one.

Pick something small, low-stakes, where the worst that happens is someone is mildly disappointed. Practice saying no without explaining. Practice sitting with the guilt without changing your boundary.

"No, that doesn't work for me." "I'm not available for that." "That's not something I can do."

Notice the world doesn't end. Notice most people accept it and move on. Notice the ones who push for explanations are revealing something about themselves, not you.

Then set another boundary. Then another. Then another.

That's how you recover from perfectionism and people pleasing – one uncomfortable, imperfect, boundary-setting step at a time.

With Love

Alex

This is the final post in my series on breaking free from perfectionism and people pleasing. If you haven't read the first two posts yet, go back and check them out – they'll help you understand why boundaries are so hard to set and why they're so essential for recovery.

If you're struggling to set boundaries, drowning in guilt every time you try to say no, or exhausted from being everything to everyone, I'd love to work with you. Learning to protect your energy while maintaining genuine relationships is some of the most important work you can do.

Your wellbeing isn't negotiable. Your limits aren't up for debate. You're allowed to take up space in your own life.

Start with one boundary. See what happens. I promise you, it gets easier.